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1. |
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I have corrupted what was once an innocent heart
Irregardless of my incredibly young age
I have become the tormentor that I feared
Should I blame myself or my mother's creator
These decisions I have chosen to make
They will haunt me until the day I perish
These children that I have defiled
I will haunt them until the day they perish
It does not matter how young I was
This is something I must live with
They had their whole lives ahead of them
Now this is something they must live with
I do not deserve forgiveness
Even though I have seen the error of my ways
I have contributed to the cycle of abuse
The cycle that I have been forced into
I am sure these people are pondering
Why someone who was supposed to care
Would commit such a horrific crime
I have pondered the exact same thing
When a child is molested or raped
There is no doubt they will do it to others
I beg all parents to keep their children safe
Do all that it takes to end the cycle of abuse
I didn't realize what I was doing until I was 12
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2. |
Too Old To Cry
05:06
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I just wish you were still here, still alive
I wish you never used all those drugs
I wish your name didn't break my heart
I wish I could remember you
Dad, I'm all grown up now
I'm big but I don't feel strong
Not at all, I'm not strong
Dad, I'm not strong
And it truly feels as though
This pain is never going to leave
I'm crying over someone
That I have no memories of
I was too young to remember you
I was too young to remember anything
All I remember is abuse from other people
Too young to remember, too old to cry
Dad, it hurts more than I could ever describe
Dad, I love you and I miss you so much
And since I don't believe in the afterlife
I can only hope you were buried somewhere safe
As safe as you had kept me
I love you, dad
I miss you, dad
I promise
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3. |
Pray The Wick Burns
04:53
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Pray the wick burns faster
I wanted to live, not suffer
The light is flickering
My life is fading ever so slow
The candle is still lit
After all this time
Pray for a quick and painless death
But surely I will writhe in my doom
Slow, painful, everything is aching
I feel like every bone in my spirit is breaking
My soul is being tortured by monsters unknown
All I can do is pray the wick burns faster
Pray the wick burns faster
I never asked to be a bastard
I never asked to live in disaster
This life is something I'll never master
Sodomized
Pulverized
Traumatized
Bastardized
Pummel me into the muddy ground
And light a flame to the candle you found
Pray the wick burns as slow as it can
If you truly wish to see me in agony
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4. |
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The cost of living is not your inevitable demise
It's the disorders you're dealt before your death
Too many to count in this sick old head
I could never focus enough on it if I tried
My eyes water from the stench of hopelessness
I have been cursed with multiple illnesses
And people tell me it's an illusion and a lie
People tell me that it's all in my head
You didn't believe me when I begged for help
But now that my wrists are slashed
Now that I'm swaying from a noose
Tell me, do you still think I'm a dirty liar?
My eyes water from the stench of hopelessness
I have been cursed with multiple illnesses
And people tell me it's an illusion and a lie
People tell me that it's all in my head
I am not a liar
I am not a liar
I am not a liar
I give you my word
Manic Depression
ADHD, bipolar
Anxiety
PTSD
I never asked for this
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5. |
Focus On The Anger
03:04
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Hatred, it's all I can seem to focus on
It surrounds me every single day
It does not matter where I am
My heart will find a reason to hate
My mind will find a way to justify the anger
As I take it out on people I see fit
After all, they deserve it
They hurt me, I'll never take the blame
Eye for an eye, back and forth
Yet another cycle I'm stuck in
I push away those who love me
And search for a way to justify
I have no idea if it's wrong anymore
I cannot tell wrong from right
I could judge based on the reactions of others
But I only care about what I think
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6. |
He Threw The Chair
04:14
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Haunt me, they will feel you
They will kill you, hold me
I thought you loved me
You hate me, you raped me
Four years old, ripe for sexual activity
Your mother doesn't know a goddamn thing
Oblivious, a broken leg, stop your whining
Listen to your family friend, he loves you
Why did he throw the chair?
Mother, why did he throw the chair?
It's not my fault I don't remember
What I do when I'm blackout drunk
Justify your actions with drug abuse
You fucking raped me you cunt
Why did pop pop throw the chair?
Mother, why did he throw the chair?
No love, no peace, not a moment's peace
There's no peace, never a moment's peace
This is the reality you live in, no peace
Eddie's cute little innocent fucktoy gets no peace
I want you dead, I want you dead
No peace, not a moment's peace
There's no peace, never a moment's peace
You will never find a moment's peace
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7. |
Heroin Agony
03:06
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I view my body as disgusting
I view my soul as nothing
I view my heart as blackened
After all that has happened
Nobody will ever understand my pain
Sometimes I wish to blow out my brains
This agony is just like heroin
It makes me high, when I slash my skin
Let the pain seep out
Allow my demons to bleed out
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8. |
Lucid Night Terrors
03:19
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Writhe
Screaming through tears within my dreams
Nobody can hear my ear piercing screams
Is this a vision or a forgotten trauma
Each one always ends the same
I am aware that this is not real
So why the fuck am I so terrified
The only way to escape is suicide
Each dream ends with death
Lucid night terrors (x4)
With each night terror, there is a new way to die
It's as if a higher power is talking me into suicide
The voice inside my head tells me to kill myself
I just want to know who this voice is
It sounds quite familiar
I swear I've known this voice
For an eternity
And it's torturing me
Lucid night terrors (x4)
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9. |
Clinton
04:39
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I am the child you held upside down and beat
I wasn't even 4 years old, I was helpless and weak
It's one of the only things I remember as an infant
You were the first of many abusers, Clinton
The day I confronted you is a day I won't forget
Trying to make you kill yourself, but you felt no regret
Filthy bastards like you will never change it seems
I never got my justice and that fills me with agony
And now you live happily with your own son
I wish I could take him from you, you cunt
Then you'd know how my mother felt
Walking in on you beating me with a belt
The day I confronted you is a day I won't forget
Trying to make you kill yourself, but you felt no regret
Filthy bastards like you will never change it seems
I never got my justice and that fills me with agony
I want to stab you in the throat and fuck you in the wound
I've always been one for vengeance since the day I left the womb
Everyone who ever harmed me never got harmed back
And I'm constantly reminded through all of these flashbacks
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Screech Calamity Newark, Delaware
Raw Black Metal/Ambient project by Chris Schroeder
Bands that inspire us: Leviathan,
Xasthur, Pa Vesh En, Human Serpent, Bethlehem, Endless Dismal Moan, Void Prayer, Brahdr'uhz, Black Funeral, Broyeur d'Enfance, Nocturnal Depression, Selvhat, Satanic Warmaster
Genres that inspire us: Raw Black Metal, Dark Ambient, DSBM, Funeral Doom Metal, Blackgaze
... more
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